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How can positivity be toxic?
“We are so wrapped up in a world of staying positive that we are actually ashamed of feeling anything else.”
It might sound crazy but being positive can sometimes be toxic. How? When we dismiss or minimize a person's feelings or situation by telling them to stay positive it can sometimes do more harm than good. Experiences like grief, abuse and loss can't be reduced to 'you'll get over it' or 'just stay positive.' And a cheerleader sounding attitude lacks empathy and can sound fake. Years ago when I was in the depths of an abusive marriage I saw no way out of, it was not helpful to hear things like, 'things will get better, just stay positive' because through my eyes my world was imploding and I saw no way out. Giving someone in the middle of crisis a pat on the back and a 'it will be ok' is not supportive or helpful.
Along those same lines we need to be careful not to have toxic positivity with ourselves. Positive self-talk is healthy to an extent but when we refuse to see the reality of a situation because we want to appear or remain positive the result can sometimes be devastating. It is important that we also are not toxic with ourselves by taking stock of the situation and being real with ourselves while having genuine optimism. Some of us are so wrapped up in being positive that we view anything less as being weak. We are ashamed to feel anything but positive. And when this happens we fail to see the truth of what we are experiencing or feeling.
It is better to use genuine optimism where we acknowledge the situation or feelings involved and give a positive, optimistic response. For example, instead of saying, "you'll get over it" try saying, "You are resilient. Your strength will get you through this." When we use genuine optimism we are not just telling someone or ourselves to look on the bright side. We are being empathetic and supportive by showing that we are there for them. And when we do this for ourselves we are giving ourselves grace or checking ourselves before we wreck ourselves as they say.
Are you really helping?
If we can use an analogy and think of sympathy as shouting down at someone while they're stuck in a hole. Then we can think of empathy as getting into the hole with them. Similarly toxic positivity is telling someone to just 'look at the bright side', while genuine optimism is showing support by putting ourselves in someone's shoes, and accepting their feelings for what they are. It is not helpful to simply tell someone how to feel or how we think they should feel in a particular situation if we are not experiencing it with them. By putting ourselves in their situation and empathizing with them we are validating what they are feeling. When we tell someone everything will be ok without offering some solution we are dismissing their feelings or minimizing what they are going through which is not supportive. We dismiss emotions instead of affirming them sometimes because facing them may feel uncomfortable. Toxic positivity usually isn't intended to cause harm but often does.
Are you using toxic positivity when you talk to yourself?
“Toxic positivity is forced, false positivity. It may sound innocuous on the surface, but when you share something difficult with someone and they insist that you turn it into a positive, what they're really saying is, My comfort is more important than your reality.” - Dr. Susan David, Author of Emotional Agility
It is just as easy to be toxic with ourselves. Sometimes we end up using toxic positivity with ourselves when we respond to our own suffering with a lack of empathy. Feeling like we need to constantly be positive forces us to think we appear weak if we are not. When in reality affirming negative situations or feelings with genuine optimism helps us grow. For example, when we receive negative feedback on a goal we are reaching for, it is not help to use positive self-talk that doesn't acknowledge the feedback. A pat on the back and a 'we can do this' will not foster the behavior needed to grow. Giving ourselves optimistic self-talk can, on the other hand, force us to recognize, acknowledge and, if needed, address changes that are necessary to help us grown and learn from the negative experience in order to effectively get closer to our goal. It's essentially the difference between getting real with ourselves and blowing smoke up our own ass to save face. And honestly, if we are worried about what other people think we have bigger issues to address. Most people appreciate authenticity over fake positivity. So let's get real with ourselves too!
Ways we can avoid toxic positivity
Instead of saying..."You'll get over it." Try saying... "It's hard but I believe in you."
Instead of saying... "Don't be so negative!" Try saying... "It's okay to feel bad sometimes."
Instead of saying... "Always look on the bright side!" Try saying..."It can be difficult to see the good in this situation, but we'll make sense of it when we can."
Instead of saying... "Failure is not an option." Try saying... "Failure is part of growth."
Instead of saying... "Think happy thoughts." Try saying... "Things cn get really tough, I am here for you."
Instead of saying... "It could be worse." Try saying..."Sometimes we experience bad things. How can I support you?"
More ideas:
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